Name: Dan Williams
Aliases: Danny Will, Tom Waterhouse, Sniffles, The Poonslayer, Bunga
Occupation: Truck Juggler
Likes: The Dockers, fixed odds, Hawaiian pizzas, his fully-sick ‘96 Honda Accord
Dislikes: Hard ball gets, Sportsbet, tans, Milky backing a dog Dan’s already on
Bio: Commonly mistaken for Tom Waterhouse due to their uncanny likeness and bulging wallets, Dan Williams has become a permanent fixture of the 2013 league side. After spending much of the 2012 season playing the league and reserves version of snakes and ladders, Dan has earned a regular spot on the league side by having one of SNESA’s most accurate kicks and a nose for sniffing out a goal (and just about anything else).
Dan strikes fear through the hearts of the opposition by throwing his muscly physique around and ensuring that any opponent that goes in hard will think twice before doing so again. But Dan’s physique isn’t one that comes naturally. He doesn’t hit the gym or pump the protein, instead opting to gorge himself on copious amounts of food. Although it has never been witnessed, it has been rumoured that Dan has even finished a kids portion of spaghetti Bolognese all by himself.
While Dan has arguably the most accurate drop punt at SNESA, it’s not even his most successful punt. Dan loves to punt on the dogs. Whether it’s backing a sure-thing or a roughy, Dan will always use his nose to sniff out value. Dan’s signed up to more online bookmakers than he’s had hot dinners, but that number is quickly dropping as they all cotton-on to Dan’s winning ways. You see, Dan’s not afraid to lay $300 on a roughy paying $17.50 to take home a cool 5k, and Sportsbet said ‘no Sir E. Bob, you will not be doing that again’ and promptly banned him from backing the dogs.
Dan is a well-loved figure down at the club and receives wide-spread on-field praise from his team-mates, and in particular his coach. Trav can often be heard showering Dan with such positive compliments as “Dan, put your fucking head over the ball”, “Dan, for fucks sake stick on your man” and everybody’s favourite “Dan Williams. Bench. NOW”.